We’re back with this series today!
Many of you guys have asked what to do when your spouse isn’t on board with making changes toward a simple life.
This is a little bit of a sensitive topic because everyone is in a different place… and I feel eerily similar to that chick on Indiana Jones and The Temple of Doom when she’s slowly being lowered into the lava in her pretty dress after that psycho dude pulls out the other guy’s heart and she’s dangling close to the volcano or doorway to Hell or whatever that was supposed to be while all the flowers fall off her head. {And we totally got into trouble for watching that when we were little because my brother started crying and busted us… so I’ll stop now.}
There is no cure-all solution. But there are a few things that can help when it comes to making a change together.
Let me say this first: Everyone’s situation is different. People tend to be clutterers, or status-engaged or image-involved for different reasons. Label it what you will, but all of them are essentially from the same seed, and these are just symptoms. We all struggle with our different versions of it in this fallen world. Some just more than others. It can be how we were raised. It can be something in our past. It can be a real painful thing for some. So we have to be mindful of that in this process. It can be deep-seeded and very real for the other person or ourselves. Also, I can’t post this without saying that if you believe that someone you love is a real hoarder(which is very different than the topic we’re discussing here today) please talk to a professional.
Once upon a time, I was actually the ‘difficult one’ or ‘hold out’ in our house. We had the ‘average’ clutter, if clutter can be average. Either way, it was too much and was a mere symptom for my outlook on life. As a result, I was overwhelmed because I didn’t know where to begin, and aintnobodygottimeforthat. I also didn’t view it as important. I was a part of a vicious cycle in our family, because I was busy chasing unimportant things. I needed a real heart check.
I often tell people that blogging is actually one of the most humbling experiences ever. For starters, people can endlessly correct our grammatical errors, and (if the writer of said blog keeps it real) readers stand to witness changes in our lives. Part of my change, was putting myself out there, and being held accountable here because I hoped I wasn’t the only one.
Cue the nerdiest photo ever taken over a year ago when we were ready to begin this process:
We all know you can’t changeanyone.
It’s basically the first rule of marriage. And this is about more than just organizing the sock drawer. It’s a lifestyle change. Unless small, active steps in that direction start with a real transformation as the ultimate goal… the clutter-lover will probably win.
Here’s a few little strategies to try over time with your partner (or any other ‘hold out’s in your home for that matter) that just may help.
1. Gandhi said it best.
Jamin can bake cookies and enjoy them… the entire home will be filled with the amazing aroma and I will try and stick to my guns on eating healthy. But I still give in. Then I blame him for my calorie over-indulgence. “It’s sheer torture!” I say in between hot gooey goodness and gulps of ice cold milk.
But I’m the one who took the cookie and put it into my mouth, chewed, and swallowed.
My eight year old can break the rules and yell at his brother and sister for ‘messing up his world’ in his video game. When I take it away because he broke said rules and knows the consequences, he insists “they made me do it!”
Oh the lessons we must learn in childhood – and as adults, for that matter. My point?
We alone are responsible for our own actions, and our own progress. I hear a lot that someone’s partner is “holding them back”. This is a hard truth: As easy as it can be to blame the other person, the only one “eating the cookies” is you.
It’s definitely a struggle… don’t get me wrong. The aroma of fresh-baked cookies is almost impossible to deny. But we alone are responsible for ourselves. And if we alone are responsible, then no one is really holding us back, but ourselves.
I wanted to blame the kids for their messes, and my job for the stuff. But at the end of the day, it was me. This was a tough one for me.
Ouch.
So start by leading with example. Purge your own stuff, and organize it. Do your own thing in your side of the closet. Do your own thing on your side of the bathroom. Then move on to the ‘neutral zones’, like the living room. Get the kids in on it, especially if they’re still young (see: easily impressionable). Small changes, one day at a time… and your partner will notice.
Be the change you want to see in your home. It’s hard. It’s especially hard without their support.But you’ll be happier (and save a little sanity) in your own home for it.
2. Point out the benefits.
In a loving way {trust me, I’m a pro with sarcasm-I could teach a class on how not to talk to your spouse so do your best} show them the good things about a lifestyle change.
If you’re anything like us, time is precious. And it’s priceless, the time we’ve gained back with the changes we’ve made. I’m no longer constantly searching for, or losing things. I’m no longer constantly running around in complete disarray. The stress levels have been greatly reduced. Granted, I definitely have my moments, but over all, we have more time as a family. We’re not bogged down with all the things. Everywhere. That alone is reason to change, and if they see a little of it in you (see above, step 1.) you’re on a winning path, already.
Money. Simplifying your life is just as much about purging and organization, as it is the limitation of things coming in and the attainment of more. Squelching that habit is a game changer for the finances, and once you learn to change your views, it’s beyond freeing. It makes everything so much easier when you stop playing the comparison game. Run away from the Jonses because you probably wouldn’t want to be friends with them, anyway. They may have the coolest fill-in-the-blank-here, but they’re also in debt up to their eyeballs and chances are, they probably don’t enjoy their job that allows them to keep up with their image. Vicious cycle, much? You’re on your own path, and changing your viewpoint is oh so freeing.
Less is more. Embrace it.
3. The team effort.
Once you’ve made it clear what you’re doing, and you’re finished with the zones that are not theirs, get them on your side. This will be different for everyone, but universally, people like to feel appreciated and needed. They enjoy having their opinion matter. They want to be heard. They want to be entrusted. They want to have an impact.
So ask for their input on how they’d like their shirts cleaned up. Put them in charge of a plan for your household, whether it’s the new budget after you show them how much you can save, or where the tools should go in the garage. Make them a part of the process. Hopefully, they can take ownership of it and go from there.
Sometimes for the person who loves clutter, it can be a control issue. So don’t make them feel like you’re taking that away from them. Simply redirect the control in a new way. It’s often an issue of trust and respect, which leads me to…
live simply
4. Respect their boundaries.
No one is changed by being bulldozed. They’re transformed through love and patience.
Every time I get rid of something my kids haven’t played with in a while without them knowing it, they come in the door a month later and out of the blue, they ask for it. It makes for a sticky situation of having to explain why something was purged, and why they weren’t a part of the process… and it usually ends in frustration on both ends. At first it worked with all the little things we got rid of. (No one is going to miss the fifth repeat happy meal or broken crayon I just tossed). When my littlest asked, I played dumb. But then I got rid of something he really missed (his car track he never played with that we donated a few weeks ago) and I felt terrible. Over time, I realized I had lasting results when I let them be a part of the process. Now if they want tot keep something, I respect that. It may mean something else needs to go if the clutter is out of control, but true change isn’t made without a little compromise and respect.
Your partner can be the very same way. As soon as you throw something away they haven’t looked at for months, they’ll probably ask for it. An element of trust and respect is lost when that happens. (See being a part of a team above) If they’re uncomfortable, acknowledge that.
Remember that we’re all on different spectrums in our lives as far as our views on simplification and scaling back and the process. While we’ve purged about half of our belongings, and I’m actually pretty proud of myself, some people may still view us as cluttered. A few thoughts on that: A. Our story isn’t over yet, so… we’re not finished. and B. We’re on our own path.
No one’s story is over yet. It’s always a work in progress, so make sure you stay open to that as a person and those you live with. It’s easy for me to be unreasonable at times out of frustration and I have to remind myself to…
5. Be patient.
The process of simplifying your life is just that… a process. Just like when you cheated on Math off of your best friend in elementary school, and your teacher probably told you that you were only hurting yourself. (Uh, was that just me?) Making a lifestyle change is full of baby steps, and it’s more about the journey than the end goal. The end goal is your reward, but if you don’t take the time to learn the lessons you’ll glean along the way, then it’s not worth it because a real change won’t take place.
It’s all about the little victories. Be patient, give it time, and stay diligent. They say it takes 21 days to form a habit. Hopefully, through truly leading by example and doing it with love, your partner will see the benefits of what’s going on in your household.
If you run into a few dead ends along the way, don’t quit. You may take a few weeks off… and that’s life. The important thing is that you keep going. No matter what.
Purging on your own is a lot of work and can be really overwhelming for you, when you’re taking it on for a household, alone. But by starting with small steps and love, changes can really take place. Just give it a little patience, persistence and love.
We truly hope this helps inspire someone who may feel a little weighed down with the burden of it all and making a change. For you guys that have instituted changes in your own lives with your partners, what do you find has worked for you?
Have an inspired day!
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