Follow Taylor Swift’s Every Move With Our Real-Time Jet Tracker (2024)

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Staying up to date the with the location of the busy pop star can be a challenge for fans. Fear not, however, for now you can follow Taylor Swift’s every move with The Onion’s real-time jet tracker.

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Even after millions of flights, it’s hard not to marvel at man’s ability to float above the earth at great speed.

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They flew in with ease…but can they find their way out?

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According to flight data, Taylor Swift charters a private jet to fly from her bed to her toilet each morning in order to relieve herself.

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A longtime secret operative for the Chinese Communist Party, Taylor Swift often travels to President Xi Jinping’s Zhongnanhai compound to directly relay sensitive intelligence.

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The pop star briefly touched the outer limits of the planet’s atmosphere 500 kilometers above the earth’s surface before near-total engine failure and a fire aboard the plane forced her to abandon her plan to visit outer space and let the pilot navigate back down to safety.

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He spaced out and before he knew it he was pulling into his driveway, rather than their intended destination of Laos.

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After running out of her beloved bubble-gum tape, Swift demanded they stop over at the Wrigley factory to refill her stock.

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It’s unclear why, but Swift visits the Gateway Arch every Lunar New Year.

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Thought it was fine. Not clear what it was trying to do, but well-made.

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Due to dietary restrictions, Taylor Swift only eats pork ribs.

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Flying a private jet to her corporate nine-to-five weekday gig significantly cuts down the commute time.

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It’s a miracle! Taylor Swift’s jet has just landed in the middle of the Hudson River near midtown Manhattan! Nothing was wrong with the plane, she just wanted to stop.

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Just checking in on what Travis’ high school ex is up to.

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As an artist, you always have to find new ways to innovate.

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Makes a lot more sense when you realize it’s where the World’s Largest Catsup Bottle is located.

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Her landlord is suing her for $600 over some cat-related damages she left behind.

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Swift won a hot-dog eating contest at a local restaurant outside Denver and now stops by for lunch every day to take advantage of her free-hot-dogs-for-life prize.

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Swift used her Dassault 7X jet to fly back to an earlier time—a simpler time—before the deal with Big Machine Records, before the paparazzi and the platinum records. A time when she could just walk down the street like any other girl. She got bored and took off again two and a half minutes later.

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Swift is visiting the house she shares with Kelce in the 36,000-foot-deep trench in order to get some privacy from her fans.

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The latest update shows that Taylor Swift briefly landed on a snowy wooded runway where she met up with her centaur ex.

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After her private jet suffered a mechanical failure, Swift was forced to continue her travels aboard a Greyhound Bus for the next several days.

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No one makes meatballs like Nonna Swift.

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She does three ragtime shows a night on a Savannah Riverboat cruise.

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She said it was just to drop off a box of his things, but she’s been inside for 45 minutes.

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Swift used her jet to cut to the front of the line for the Linus Launcher at Knott’s Berry Farm, which she subsequently rode six times in a row before getting sick and jetting off to the hospital.

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Or maybe that was Elon Musk’s private jet tracker. Our bad.

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The darkness… It calls…

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Taylor showed up to say hi to Lena, only for Lena to open the door fully nude, causing Taylor to immediately hop back in her jet and fly away.

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Somewhere above California, Swift asked the pilot to turn back, realizing she had forgotten to go to one of those owl cafés.

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Swift’s plane is refueling on an island filled with adorable little monkeys that, oh God, they’re tearing her body to pieces, ripping off her limbs, Jesus somebody stop those f*cking monsters.

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Oh sh*t. She’s onto us. And is that…does she have a gun? Take cover!